I can’t/won’t write when depressed. Partly because it’s dark and er, depressing, but mainly because there’s no beginning, middle and end. It’s all middle. All pointless. No resolution. No end. Too many possibilities – initially no thread then instantly too many. Chaos.

But I came across this when tidying up. This is the first time I found a channel for it. I know I’m becoming depressed. I’ve got stuff backing up I need to do. Some of it can wait but a couple of things are important. But I can’t do it. Can’t actually just do it. Staring into space. Can’t concentrate. Then I close my eyes and tap out what’s running through my mind….

Like getting in a lift and moving to another floor. Moving from one subject to another. Easy. But that’s not right. Only like that when moving between different layers of the same subject. Can’t move between different topics or subjects anymore. Is it because they’re not linked in any way? No structure? So how did I do it before? I used to be able to move between different, unrelated topics without a problem. Now I have a physical response to a change of subject when I’m thinking. A tensing of muscles. Mentally pushing it away. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. Leave me alone… So how did it used to work? Did the previous thought get put on a stack? Was a flag stuck in the ground as a reminder of where I was? Or did it just not matter? Did I just float from one thing to another and back again? Why is it such a problem now? Why? Why do I shut everything else out? And why does that help? Shutting everything else out. Shutting myself in the shed. Going camping. Simplifying. Just essentials. No extras. Simplify down to a minimum. Is that why guys end up on the street? Simplifying? Jettisoning everything. Having no more worries. Where’s the attachment to the mind? Why does it feel better to remove all else? Sever links that are pulling, dragging, hanging heavy on the mind. Why do they feel tense in the chest? Anxiety? Fears? Worries? Head’s filling up…

Touch typing’s something I found time to cultivate when I was off work for a long period. Depressed, ironically. Haven’t done it recently though – closed my eyes and caught a train of thought. Probably because I’ve swapped from a laptop to an iPad. Progress…

The blog starts here. Except it doesn’t. The posts start back in 2009 but this is the first post to appear nowhere else but on this blog. Previously they were only on the sites of other organisations, listed under x: categories just up there. This post is the peg marking when the blog went live.

I’m still loading the old posts up. It’s taking a while, what with tagging and things, I’m up to about 150 at the moment. It’s therapy. I hit overload a few weeks ago, had what I’ll call a burst of mental overactivity fill my mind, which left me feeling overstretched, out of touch and out of control. Felt like I had things spread all over (which I did) and didn’t know where anything was (which I didn’t).

Pulling all the posts back to one place feels good, like I’m piecing myself back together. I’m not really, but it feels that way. If I’ve learnt one thing about being human it’s that being rational seems important, but it’s how you feel that counts.

Enough weirdness. On with the therapy.